Anxietybeast

I promise that I don't start every blog post with the intention of delving into my own oddball psychology, but heck, somehow it manages to assert itself anyway. So please forgive me for all of my random babbling on the subject!

The creepy little thing that has wriggled around inside of my brain for several years is now trying to take control of my consciousness! Anxietybeast is a ravenous creature, and yet all of my positivity it devours won't fill it up. It's a bottomless pit, and sometimes I have no food to give it. Let's just say anxiety is draining. Exhausting.

What kinds of things do I think about when I'm anxious? Where do I start? Myself, of course, and my shortcomings. That's at the core of the problem. I worry about how other people see me, if I have offended someone without knowing it, having to leave the house (social anxiety is the most painful of all)...you name it, it worries me. My anxiety has caused me to let people down as well, as sometimes I panic at the idea of leaving the house to make appointments. It is a hindrance and it might just kill me.

As a Buddhist, I have been practicing detachment from my Self; according to Buddhism, things like anxiety are the result of a self-cherishing mind, the negativity resulting from attachment. But no matter how hard I practice, my body's chemistry, in the end, is what controls my creepycrawly anxietybeast. My serotonin levels are way off to begin with, hence the funtimes associated with depression. Ever since I became unemployed a year ago, my anxiety has continued to build. I have been stuck at home for months, fueling my social anxiety, and being unemployed has seriously damaged my sense of self-worth.

So, even though the beastie is gripping my brain and not letting go, I am trying to pry its claws off of me enough that I can function like a normal human being (well, semi-normal, normal is boring!). Making art always helps, it gives me a sense of accomplishment. Medication is an option, but from my experience it doesn't always help...I hope some glimmer of inspiration will come my way and I can slay the anxietybeast for good.